Ronnie Toth

Spirit of Power, Love and Sound Mind

By InnerVoice

November 4^th, 2016

MAshing pedals 'n getting medals

I had mentors grooming me to be Navy SEAL as a kid. As former SEALs themselves they suggested that if I could become impervious to cold water and build up to completing an Ironman triathlon, that I would have no problem getting through the heavily swim- and run-based SEAL training. At age 12 I had a desire to cultivate a resilient mind that would whip my body into submission, so I began taking only cold showers so that when I went backpacking or to cross country camp, I could strip down to this old purple Speedo I nicked from my dad and jump into water with icebergs. It also serves as a fun party trick to impress friends. As I got older and graduated college, having planned on going the Officer Candidate School route, I began to realize that the modern ‘War of/on Terror’ is not nearly as clear-cut as past conflicts. I could not, with a clear conscience, take lives in a manner that I was not completely at peace with. Without getting too political, that’s the simplest way to put it. That being said, I have tremendous respect for the men and women that put their lives on the line with the goal of defending the life we enjoy as Americans. So now I inflict pain and let freedom reign by ‘mashing pedals ‘n getting medals’ on a bicycle, and sweating on everything via endurance sport.

Best version of yourself

In Hebrew there is no word for ‘spiritual’, as to have such a word would entail that certain things were not. The person I am on the bike is who I am off it as well, minus some of the killer instinct. That’s the beauty of it; endurance sports allows for you to become the best version of yourself while burning away the attributes you do not need and instilling ones you could use more of.

I love the lifestyle of being active and the quality of life it brings. I love how endurance sport makes me a kinder, more driven, and empathetic man. I love the resilience and tenacity it has given me, allowing for a confidence to find a way to truly thrive through any adversity life throws my way.

who the heck do you want to be?

I had a small hiccup in July 2014. During a horrific crash nearing the finish of the Manhattan Beach Grand Prix Pro road cycling race, I was bumped into a crowd control gate (occupational hazard) and shattered nearly every bone in my mid-face. My bicep bone came through the skin in an open fracture and I was in a coma for a little under a week. I had the most excellent team of surgeons in Dr. Jerome Wilson, Dr. Ted Chen, and Dr. Newt Eichorn. They were able to piece me back together with a 3D model recreating my facial bones using titanium plates, screws, and even harvesting a rib to fashion a nose out of it. The joke is that I had my mother’s nose before and now I have a “RibNose” that more resembles my dad’s shnoz. I had my jaw wired shut for a month, and a tracheotomy hole cut into my neck to ensure a safe airway during surgery.

Prior to my accident I would sometimes subject myself to these strange torturous intervals where I would hold my breath for 30 seconds while riding all-out on a stationary bike—that way, the worst thing I could crash into was the sofa. I would then recover for 30 seconds and do these until I would feel my IQ begin to plummet as brain cells vacated the premises. But let me tell you, riding a bike with a tracheotomy tube in and jaw wired shut is a whole new level of masochism. Take that Kanye West “Through the Wire!”

I was in the ICU for 3 weeks then home for only 4 days before I willed myself to crawl up the stairs and mount the stationary bike. In flip flops, I smashed out a 20 minute ride. Prior to this I would crawl out of bed in the most immense pain, waddle over to the mirror and look at myself, seeing a face I no longer recognized. I would stare into eyes that did not feel like mine as they had become so drenched in pain. I would say aloud “Who the heck do you want to be? The man that you become through this is who you will be for the rest of your life.” I never allowed myself to let self-pity creep in.

From the moment I awoke from the accident I first asked “Will I be able to walk again?” What I was really thinking was, “Will I ever be able to race again?” but I had the foresight to censor myself, not wanting to anger the nurses, doctors and my family. I figured that if I could walk then I could learn to run, and if I could run, then I could race, swim, bike, run, kayak or whatever I wanted. Baby steps, you know. Within 1 week of getting back on the bike (just 25 days after the accident), I had done 3 rides. Starting at 20 minutes, then 40, 60 and then I felt ready (albeit far too soon for anyone with common sense) to get on the road and hop in the local group ride at the Rose Bowl, in Pasadena, California. It was a 10 mile ride from where I lived and while riding there with a friend, I coughed up a piece of nose bone that was still floating around in my sinuses. It stuck to my top tube and has remained there as an ornamental reminder ever since! Kidding, but I really think it would have been fitting to make a sweet necklace out of it. (A sarcasm font really is needed.)

Between having my jaw wired shut and the intense nausea I showed up to the ride 30 pounds lighter than just a month prior. My body had cannibalized itself because I couldn’t eat much during those 3 weeks in the ICU. When friends saw me at the starting line of the ‘The Bowl,’ many looked at me as if I were a ghost, having seen me lose 2 liters of blood in a most gracious donation to the pavement of Pacific Coast Highway just 28 days earlier. It was a huge honor to feel loved by so many knowing I had a 1 in 6 chance of ‘succumbing’ to the injuries. That first Tuesday ride, I was dropped 3 times on the 2% uphill side of the Bowl, only to wait at the top of the 3.2 mile loop until the peloton would come by again and I would slot back on the back and try to hang another lap. To give a baseline, the ride is 10 laps around the Rose Bowl stadium— 32 miles total— and has a 2% false flat on one side and 2% downhill on the other, with a typical average speed of around 26-27 mph. It’s a truly great fitness builder that I use as my primary maintenance when racing.

Two days later I was able to come out and sit in the peloton and survive the entire uphill false flat. I went from being the guy on the front stringing the field out and putting the hurt on, to being mid-pack nearly crapping a kidney from my effort, simply doing everything possible to survive. But let me tell you, the joy of that small victory was as potent as any. I geeked out and managed to pump a fist and give a boyish yell for a victory. It was a victory that only I knew the true cost of, and the immense gratitude associated with it. 10 weeks later I managed to win my first fixed-gear road race. On the one-year anniversary of the accident that had nearly taken my life, I won 4 bike races in 36 hours. One of them was the first USAC Pro Criterium that I’d ever won! It was quite humbling and it certainly put it all into perspective; when faced with adversity, 10% is what happens to us and 90% is how we respond to it. A resilient and strong mind is the most powerful asset we have especially when paired with faith, hope, and love.

truly ready to take life by the horns!

When I had my cycling accident I was married. Being a nurse, she helped to piece me back together, yet ultimately decided she didn’t want to remain married for reasons entirely unrelated to either of us enjoying running or cycling. I told her I would hang up racing if that was the reason (for the curious minds out there.) Marriage is hard and takes work. So often people grow and evolve away from each other. It is difficult to sustain lifetime love. I think people confuse being “in love” versus the self-sacrificing love of laying down your life for another. Sometimes that sacrificial love can mean sitting in traffic to go to a job you dislike to provide for your sweetheart, versus the quick and short lived pain of taking a bullet for someone as the common adage goes. Working through that heartache really taught me a lot and showed me that relationships can work. But, both people have to want it in a stubborn, resilient, cobra brain, never say die type way. I figure if I can find a way to thrive coming out the most optimistic person I know, after nearly losing my life and my wife within a few months of each other, then I am truly ready to take life by the horns!

“I then immerse myself in gratitude, giving thanks for a healthy body and mind that I get to whip into submission as I race carbon ponies in magical stretchy pants with the fittest men from around the world.”

Did i die?

Recently, someone asked me what I would do when I was done. Done? Haha, what happened? Did I die?! I hope to remain active—God willing—for the duration of my life. Maybe if I get bored with cycling, and triathlon endeavors, I will have a crack at a 100-mile ultra-endurance run. Then maybe I’ll try to get super sexy with some vanity muscle and get into Crossfit, just to see how big I could get lifting weights and then setting them down and then lifting them and then setting them down (sarcasm font again needed).

claw back from the edge

On the starting line of every race I say to myself, “Remember who you are and remember what you’ve been through.” I then pray for safety for myself and everyone involved, as my faith was paramount in my recovery. Mid race when the wheels are coming off, I simply ruminate and draw upon all the horrific pains I was able to thrive through as I clawed my way back from the edge of death. I remind myself that this pain is voluntary and that no one is forcing me to do it. I laugh thinking this is ‘fun?’ I see pain as allowing me to be shaped into a kinder, fitter, more empathetic version of myself.

Endurance sport has brought some of the most kind, driven, vulnerable, passionate, and loving people into my life. Through this we have sharpened each other and made the world better. The beautiful thing about changing the world is that it starts first by changing the man in the mirror, and then every day as we love in tangible self sacrificing ways, those that we rub elbows with on the daily. Endurance sport (via social media @ThriveOnToth) has given me an ability to provide myself hope and then spill over goodness into lives of others. As I seek to exhaust my own personal human potential, I would love to be able to inspire others to do the same.