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Latoya Shauntay Snell

The Power Of My Voice

By InnerVoice

April 5^th, 2019

A Happy Accident

Like most impactful things in my life, running was a happy accident. My running adventures kicked off through a mixture of two people. Initially it started from being inspired by this guy who does loops at a neighborhood track. He would run a quarter mile, take a dance break and then run backwards for a quarter mile -- rinse, wash, repeat. Outside of it being impressive, I thought he was the most energetic and genuine stranger that I ever saw. He wore bright compression socks, old school runner shorts and equally bright headphones; nothing matched his smile. He barely spoke but his energy was contagious.

Even though I was just walking in loops on the track in an effort to lose weight, running didn’t resonate with me until a long distance MySpace buddy from 2003 put up a post on Facebook in 2013 about doing a half marathon. By this point, I was five months into my weight loss journey, down approximately 40 pounds, and listed a half marathon as a bucket list item. On impulse and with some positive reinforcement, I signed up for what was supposed to be a one time thing. Clearly I missed the memo along the way. I had no idea on what I was doing but as a self professed princess - not quite Queen - of truth or dare, I wanted to see it through. Thanks to one training run in the wee hours of the morning, I accidentally ran into the Black Girls Run Bed Stuy chapter and they took me on as family. Before I knew it, they helped me break down barriers beyond my feet.

Whilst I don’t smile like the older gentleman who still runs on the neighborhood track to this day, I managed to adopt his contagious mannerisms when I’m on the course. I love being able to shine from the inside. I’m no longer on a weight loss journey; it’s become my form of breathing vicariously through celebrating my mobility. As a person who started off this journey to physically and metaphorically save my own life, I love that I am able to transition this from a weight loss journey to a fitness journey. Sometimes we take on sports as an adult as a way to look a certain way. Instead, I’ve been running on an adrenaline journey to preserve how running makes me feel. Considering that I grew up with no real running background, I find this sport to be a gateway drug to diving into obstacle course racing, finding my downtime with my yoga practice for mental clarity and physical conditioning, as well as exploring options into becoming a triathlete.

Embrace my journey

After my son was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes in July 2015, I opted to strictly freelance. We took a massive hit financially but I love the ability to be able to tend to my son when he needs me without the pressures of losing a job. But with this sort of change, I didn’t always have money to go to outings, or a party. I made space for my running and fitness endeavors but when there were events I could go to, nobody wanted to invite me anymore. I became the friend who always had a busy schedule. On rare opportunities that I’d link back up, a handful would fall back into the groove like I never left; others made passive aggressive jokes that I ‘changed,’ grew irritated that I refused to partake in drinking activities as much or mocked my fitness as a fad. My love for writing led me to blurbing on my site Running Fat Chef and through my online diary, I started connecting with people who I consider ‘not-so-strange strangers’ who were in similar situations.

I created new bonds through a community that I didn’t know I was creating and started accepting that some friends weren’t friends at all. I was forced to acknowledge once again that a balance is necessary to continue endurance running. Once I was convinced I was venturing into ultra running, I told myself that I’d get up earlier, run smarter and choose two long run days that wouldn’t cause major hiccups to my personal time while putting in the mileage/time needed. I used to run 5 to 6 days a week; instead, I have 2 mandatory long run days with no more than 3 shorter runs and incorporated calisthenics and strength training into my routine. By incorporating cross training into my schedule and adopting methods that work best for me as a slower paced runner, I am now mentally, physically and emotionally available to my loved ones while maintaining my endurance. Additionally, transitioning into this career revealed to me that quality people will value you at whatever place you may be in your life; I’m thankful for the ones who chose to stay and new people who embrace my journey.

I didn’t know the power of my voice or movements prior to starting my running journey. Between a blend of cultural, gender and racial stigmas, I grew up with the notion that women should be seen but not heard. Oftentimes I was suggested to be silent because it’s not ladylike to speak boldly and what I perceived as confidence was deemed unattractive. The most beautiful thing about my body is my strength. When I was younger, I found myself always inserting a ‘but’ in the descriptor for my mind, body or personality. Instead, I don’t feel awkward embracing my curves, size or the power in my voice. I love being able to be more than just a woman who moves through the pavement; I am able to represent communities who oftentimes find themselves voiceless. There’s no perfect size, sound or look for strength; it’s just in you. I wish that someone could’ve whispered this in my ear years ago and pushed me into believing it.

Through this experience, I learned that I’m never too old to claim my happy.

“My eleven year old says some of the most fascinating things that I haven’t heard from most adults. Sometimes I am reminded through him on how complicated adults can make life appear.”

Moving alone

As a back of the pack runner, I had to learn how to compete with my inner voice and the barriers that many people don’t see as an elite, or even a middle-of-the-pack runner. When you run at a slower pace than most, there’s a different type of ‘party’ that occurs. You’re not sure of what kind of cracker jack prize you’ll get. If it’s a well-known race like the New York City Marathon, there will be people scattered throughout the course, cheering you on all the way until the end. There may not be a sea of people scattered throughout the course but people will be there. Conversely, if it’s a smaller event with a shorter time limit, the realities can be devastating to some, especially a first-timer.

After being diagnosed with endometriosis in 2017 and my sciatica started flaring a bit more, I shifted from being an 11 or 12-minute runner to a 13 or 14, and at times 15-minute paced runner -- it was hard. You think you know everything there is to know about running after a while, but you learn that other things about the courses and yourself once you’re in the back of the pack. I’d never take away from what elite runners go through; I’m certain there’s things that I cannot see, nor do I understand their fears. The mere idea that a person can run a 4 to 5 minute pace is whimsical to me but people don’t typically celebrate the person who took on the same course for 6 to 8 hours.

On road races, signage is taken down, which is understandable but when basic amenities like water, fuel or even medical tents not being available when it was something promised if you’re following the course limits, it is beyond mentally taxing but at times, dangerous. I’ve witnessed the beauty of strangers offering to help out another person on the course and equally called for paramedics because a person passed out after running three miles without hydration.

I’ve done races where medals and heat sheets are long gone for those who managed to push themselves for miles and countless hours. It is heartbreaking to hear someone cry in the distance because they feel like a failure for not running fast enough. For this very reason, I find trail races to be a bit friendlier. There’s a patience and a bit more wiggle room when you do trail runs, particularly ultras. A lot of the egos and pressures of getting a PR isn’t witnessed as much when you’re on a different terrain. Most of the mindsets that exist in trail runners is to finish. Through them, I learned how to get past all of the pressures that I applied on myself and take that thought process with me even when tapping back on the roads.

From watching others tap into a grit that no running plan or coach can teach you, I’m proud to move freely with a group of people that I’ve adopted as my tribe. Out of all of the technical advice that I received, nobody could’ve quite prepared me on how to move alone, using my own voice as a motivator or even doing a 100K in the desert, knowing that you’re going to be DFL.

By Any Means necessary

I don’t think that there’s one particular event that affected me more than others in my life. I grew up with a lot of extreme highs and lows. As a product of the 80s in Brooklyn, you can witness beauty in poverty. Growing up, my parents did their absolute best to make ends meet but we’ve seen eviction courts more than most can imagine. My father would hustle by any means necessary just to make sure my family could eat every night. When he passed away, I felt like I couldn’t take on that role the same way, although he expected this of me to do. Like most people who have similar stories to mine when growing up in poverty, the family structure is a huge thing. There's always one or two people who are the matriarch of their families and at times, we tend to lose our own identities in that process. Our entire being is shaped around protecting others and neglecting ourselves. I cannot stress enough how much I wanted to change the narrative of self care before it became a cliche term used in society. People tend to associate those things with having a day away from your kids or spending money on yourself for a vacation. Instead, I was reminded of self care through a multitude of areas such as celebrating my highs like taking a horrible moment at the 2017 NYC Marathon of being heckled and claiming my strength back by writing my first personal narrative. Years ago, I didn’t think I’d be qualified to do anything this prestigious; I’m a high school dropout who didn’t finish college because I paid for things that I thought would benefit others.

Through a low point in that same year, I had my possibly seventh miscarriage - this time to twins - before doing this race. In my mind, I felt like I hit rock bottom more than anyone that I knew but I was reminded at that time that I’ve been here before. Once you touch the sea bottom, the only thing you can do is wallow and drown in your defeat or fight to swim back up to shore.

When you’ve experienced even a fraction of dramatic highs and lows in your life, it shapes the way that you look at ‘success’ or ‘failures.’ Each life change keeps me humble but hungry to do the next amazing thing and seeking opportunities to give back to a community that might still thrive in such a dark place.

“If we make space in our brain to remind ourselves that one day, run or a race doesn’t throw away months to years of efforts, it makes it much easier to go back out there. Your training will physically push you through countless miles but your mind and heart pushes you through the impossible.”

Recovery is essential

Sponsored by iKOR Labs

Recovery is exceptionally essential to my progress as an athlete. As an athlete with a handful of disabilities that works against me, I take extra precautions before, during and after training sessions and on race day. For transparency, I have several conditions ranging from sciatica, endometriosis, a herniated disc, a few gastrointestinal issues and have been fighting fibroids for two decades. This means I need to carve out extra time to not neglect stretches, listening to my body if I need to take a day off or even adding in a supplement to aid in my recovery. Without listening to your body's needs, you will not last long as an athlete or maintain productivity in your daily life.

iKOR has surprisingly become a normal supplement in my routine. Honestly, I was a bit of a skeptic about CBD oils and their benefits because there's so many on the market. I am exceptionally grateful that I gave it a chance and took the time to compare the overall differences in my recovery, sleep and mental state. Although the product is marketed heavily in helping with muscle recovery, within a week of using it, I was getting a tremendous amount of rest and feel much more refreshed. In ways, I think it's been helping me bounce back on longer training runs and anxiety. Unfortunately some of the chronic conditions that I have can still leave me in a form of paralysis some days but with iKOR, I am able to take a day where I'm feeling a bit questionable and extend my fitness and personal day out a bit longer. I have consistently felt much more alert and relaxed. Prior to iKOR, I woke up several times throughout the night and I find myself getting better REM sleep and at times, this shows on my fitness tracker.

Try again if you choose to do so

When I encounter a rough point during one of my adventures, I tap into what I call an internal soundtrack. During my dark moments, I am reminded of all of the health disadvantages that work against me. When you are running for hours, eventually you’ll cross that dark moment of wondering why are you even doing this. All of the praise from onlookers and family cannot silence the thoughts. As people in the endurance sports industry would say, “embrace the suck.” You know it’s coming; it’s a matter of when.

Despite my confidence as a plus-size athlete, I can hear and see nasty emails from people who say some of the most vile things that come to mind. Just because you don’t believe these things about yourself doesn’t make you immune to the words that’s thrown at you. Most times you are left wondering why your success is viewed as some sort of monstrosity. Sometimes I submit to the voices and I let it out on the road. It’s easier to cry when there’s not too many people can see it while running. I can scream and pant as a back of the pack runner without many people hearing me talk myself through a dark thought. It’s not a substitute for a therapist but it’s definitely a fitness therapy to get out what sometimes I wish I could say to someone face to face. Instead, I view these things as an opportunity to yell at the sky, hoping that the rain will come and bring me back to my senses.

If I allow myself to dwell in that space for too long, it is harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is why I tend to think about songs that push me to move faster. Other times, I visualize a course or a running route that’s familiar to me to push me through a race. I’ll even reflect on the happier statements or brighter times while tackling a technical trail or over the top road course. Being able to imagine something that’s already attainable, it makes it easier for me to perform on race day.

Through endurance sports, I learned that the true marathon takes place off-field. Being able to participate in these events is the real training course and race day is when you lose a loved one or that moment when you feel like you’re drowning as a parent. The same mental grit that it takes for you to lace up is the same way that you can metaphorically apply it to your daily life. Some days will play out like a Rocky scene where you make it up to the top of the stairs and others will be dramatic, giving you the worst looking ending to a movie that existed. The beauty of 24 hours is that you have an opportunity to try again if you choose to do so. I am reminded of this logic whenever I take on a course that was too much for me to complete or when I shock myself and make it to the finish line feeling dehydrated but rejuvenated by my success.

Footnotes

Words by Latoya Shauntay Snell, Cover photo by E Snell Design, Edited by Cody Royle, Published by Travis McKenzie, Copyright NTSQ Sports Group Inc., Presented by iKOR labs

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FootNotes

Words by Latoya Shauntay Snell, Cover photo by E Snell Design, Edited by Cody Royle, Published by Travis McKenzie, Copyright NTSQ Sports Group Inc., Presented by iKOR labs

Colin O'Brady

Latoya Shauntay Snell

The Power Of My Voice

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Season 3